Workplace Bullying Project LLC
The Definition of Workplace Bullying
Workplace bullying is repeated, aggressive behavior that occurs over an extended period of time in the workplace toward one or more employees.
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This inappropriate, toxic behavior is intended to cause physical or psychological harm to the Target of the bullying. Individuals who are on the receiving end of this negative behavior are often in situations where they find it difficult, or even impossible, to defend against the mistreatment. Abusive conduct can take various forms, including, but is not limited to:
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Verbal abuse (yelling, demeaning, condescending and excessively demanding communication)
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Social isolation and ostracism
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Applying different standards and often times unrealistic expectations
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Emotional manipulation including gaslighting
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Threatening, intimidating, humiliating, condescending behaviors (physical, verbal and nonverbal) with the goal of devaluing the Target
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Work interference and sabotage by withholding information and resources
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Ridicule and humiliation tactics
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Ongoing and relentless criticism
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Excessive performance monitoring including micromanagement
It's Not the Target's Fault - Ever.
A common theme that emerges in discussions with Targets is a sense of shame and responsibility for
the abuse they have endured at work from a bully, bullies and/or a mob of bullies. It is NEVER a Target's fault.
Ever. There are a few key reasons why Targets feel it is their fault (despite the fact it absolutely is NOT):
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The bully's goal from the beginning is to make you feel "less than", they are conditioning you to believe
there is something inherently wrong with you which is their reasoning and rationale for abusing you. The nitpicking, relentless criticism, micromanagement and ridicule are ways for them to confirm that you DESERVE the abuse.​
This naturally leads to shame and self-blame. Reject this notion. The abuse you experience is NEVER your fault.
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Targets of workplace bullies are typically highly ethical. As a result, the natural tendency is for Targets to
take responsibility for the dysfunctional, toxic dynamic with a bully. Reject this notion. The abuse is not your fault.
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The standard response to abuse at work by imposter leaders, HR and even colleagues is to deny it is happening.
The effects of this denial and even victim-blaming in the form of D.A.R.V.O. results in Targets feeling as though
they are responsible for the abuse given that nobody is acknowledging it is happening and, in fact, they may
even be gaslit and blamed for it (classic victim-blaming through the use of the D.A.R.V.O. technique.
REJECT - this is precisely what bullies and their sponsors want Targets to believe. REJECT.
What About Human Resources?
They Will Help...Right?
The short answer: no. This is a harsh truth bomb for many people to accept given what we have been led to believe throughout our working life, but...HR does not exist to help the employee. Yikes, there it is, the truth bomb that hurts!
HR exists to support the interests of the company, mitigate risk for the organization and support leadership.
The overwhelming majority of Targets who seek support from HR are either, at best, met with a blank stare along
with a lot of note-taking from their HR Representative, which is quickly forgotten and never followed up on...or Targets will be gaslit and led to believe there isn't a problem - and in all likelihood THEY (the Target) are in fact the one who is at fault for being bullied (WHAT?!) - at worst. It's ugly stuff and not to be taken lightly given how already painful and distressing bullying is to begin with and then layering in the betrayal from HR compounds a highly intense, stressful situation.
This is abuse upon abuse and confusing and hurtful - which is why it's critical we face this tough reality.
HR doesn't want to hear about the abuse you are experiencing. They don't. It's not in their best interest to
acknowledge there is bullying, abuse, harassment and perhaps illegal discrimination happening in their organization. Engaging with HR requires a clear strategy and certainly is necessary to report discriminatory practices to ensure it is documented for potential lawsuit but please proceed with significant caution in terms of reporting bullying to HR.
It will all likelihood exacerbate your already deeply troubling situation.
If you are currently engaged with HR, please consider reaching out to WBP for a strategy session...!
*And yes, there are some HR leaders who want to do what is right - thank you! I appreciate you! Unfortunately,
this is not the norm and until it becomes the norm, Targets need to be very wary of expecting help from HR.
Key Terms and Concepts
Workplace Bully
An emotionally unwell individual in the workplace who uses highly manipulative and psychologically abusive tactics to suppress and harm another person over time. Bullies can be individual contributors all the way up to CEOs and come in every demographic. They create hostile, very negative workplaces that lead to a decline in the emotional and physical health of those they Target. They are dangerous and sponsored by weak, wimpy imposter leaders.
Imposter Leader
Imposter leader is a term created by Lauri
to describe "leaders" who have lied and manipulated their way into leadership roles without the appropriate skills, qualifications or experience. They are insecure, weak and lead from a place of scarcity, fear and use bullying tactics to influence others and to gain a false sense of authority. Imposter leaders create toxic environments where bullying and bullies are bred and sponsored. They are dangerous.
Flying Monkey
Flying monkeys are the obedient assistants to abusive bullies who support the bully’s mission at all costs. Their expertise is spying, lying, gossiping and smearing the Target’s name to everyone who will listen. Beware of flying monkeys. They are everywhere and they are dangerous because they create a mob to ostracize the Target and essentially make the Target persona non grata. Flying monkeys do the dirty work of the bully - without remorse.
Emotional Arsonist
Emotional arsonist is a term created by Lauri to describe gaslighters, bullies and manipulative people in general. Emotional arsonists are experts at lighting up the emotions of their Targets through gaslighting, crazy-making, manipulation, lies and psychologically abusive tactics. Emotional arsonists are skilled at making their Targets feel like they are going crazy and living in an alternate reality.
Dark Triad Personality
Dark Triad Personality types reference a triad of negative personality traits: Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. All three types are known for their manipulative, self-serving ways coupled with ego-driven behaviors and a lack of empathy. Their focus on getting their way often leads to a disregard for morality and a disregard for the feelings of others. Beware.
D.A.R.V.O.
DARVO was developed by Jennifer Freyd and stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim, Offender. It is a highly-effective method used by abusers to evade accountability and discredit their Target's experience. They deny that which they are accused and then attack the Target by undermining their credibility through lies and false accusations. The abuser then assumes the victim role and shifts
blame to the true victim who they make the offender.
Gaslighting
Psychology Today defines gaslighting as an "insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth."
Crazy-Making
Crazy-making is a cousin to gaslighting. Abusers will overwhelm
their Targets with lies, deny and manipulate their feelings and understanding of reality, share contradicting and conflicting information, change the known rules of engagement on a whim, engage in the silent treatment, belittle and humiliate
them and project blame by accusing their Target of the behaviors they are displaying, right before the Target’s eyes.
Sunday Scaries
Sunday scaries describe the intense feelings of dread and anxiety and physical symptoms and behavior changes (irritability, obsession with work including rumination and overthinking) that Targets of bullying tend to experience starting at
approximately 4pm on Sunday. The Sunday scaries are indicative of an unhealthy, abusive workplace, burnout and lack of work/life balance. It is a sign that change is necessary and to seek support.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance enables us to accept what is happening to us in an open-minded, non-judgmental way. By letting
go of the pretense of control, we can embrace reality without being enmeshed in a highly emotional struggle which allows us to be open to the facts of the situation as they truly are rather than how we may wish they are. Radical acceptance is an empowering tool.
Toxic Amnesia
Toxic amnesia is a term that describes how bullies pretend not to remember their hurtful behaviors, verbal abuse and many betrayals. It is part of their gaslighting campaign and is designed to make Targets feel like you’re overreacting or mentally unstable for feeling the way you feel. This is effective in creating doubt in Targets' minds, thereby enhancing the symptoms of cognitive dissonance.
Moral Injury
Moral injury, otherwise known as wounding of the soul, occurs when someone is deeply affected and experiences a trauma response by witnessing or taking part in actions at work that go against their moral values. These actions have the potential to harm others physically, emotionally, socially or financially. Experiencing moral injury can lead people to feel compelled to leave their job or workplace.